Book No. 71 of 2020
I really enjoyed (and learned a lot, and reflected on) this book, which is part memoir, part sociology book. I was hesitant going in, as I read a published excerpt, and had my doubts that the blend of first-person-plural and third-person writing wouldn’t trip me up and feel clunky, but the writing feels very natural and didn’t bother me at all.
Friendship in society isn’t given the formality, significance, or even respect that marital/romantic or familial bonds confer, but one of Friedman and Sow’s main theses is that friendships are true relationships that take investment, work, and communication. They draw on their own friendships, as well as studies and research, to discuss the role that friendship plays in our lives, the types of friendships we have and look for, how we nurture them, what common pitfalls relationships face, etc. I liked their explanation of “stretch” in a friendship, which they used deftly as a framework for a lot of other concepts in the book.
Their chapter on Shine Theory was insightful (they are the ones who coined the term after all) and the chapter titled The Trapdoor was a really cogent analysis and explanation of the sometimes-invisible stressors and tension points in interracial friendships (and other relationships), as well as an excellent reminder that the hurried “let’s all just get along” approach is not productive. As a non-white person who generally keeps core parts of myself quiet in my relationships with white people and tamps down a LOT of discomfort on a regular basis, I got a lot out of that chapter.
The book is a very quick read, but I paused a lot to reflect on my own friendships—the ones that faded away, the ones I ended, the ones I treasure, and of course, the Big Friendships in my life. No matter who you are I think you’ll see your own life and friends reflected through the book and it’ll give you a lot to think about.
Similar Reads
There was some overlap with Rebecca Traister’s Single Ladies (and Traister is referenced in the book).
I was also reminded of Stephanie Coontz (also referenced).
Some books that touch on similar themes with (romantic) interracial relationships: Days of Distraction by Alexandra Chang, Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie, Kiley Reid’s Such a Fun Age.